


The Last Five Years

by noodlerdoodler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aradia/Feferi is a side ship, Everybody is gay as usual, Halloween, Hurt/Comfort, It was originally happy but got sad, M/M, POV Sollux Captor, takes place over five years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 22:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5023684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlerdoodler/pseuds/noodlerdoodler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When we lose our loved ones, we have to learn to let them go. You, Sollux Captor, know this better than anyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Five Years

Eridan was always so excited for Halloween and you would take any excuse to post skeleton memes on 4chan and piss everybody the fuck off.

Still, your boyfriend was much more invested in the holiday and loved to dress up and loved to throw huge parties and loved to bury his face in your shoulder during scary movies and more than anything, he loved to greet little kids at the door with a bowl of candy.

It was strange that Eridan was so good with kids, since you thought he'd be the kind of guy that would hate them. After all, he seemed to hate most people, especially annoying people. In your opinion, nobody was more annoying than little kids. But he adored the little monsters, smiling and complimenting every single one on their costumes. No matter how shitty they were. He definitely gave them far too much candy.

"Well, they did look adorable." He shrugged, when you questioned him.

"As adorable as me?" You asked, gesturing to your bee costume with a wave of your hand. It was the same stupid bee costume that you wore every single year, partially because you were too lazy to go out and buy anything else to wear but partially because you just really loved bees. Eridan thought your obsession was "strange but cute".

Eridan snickered. "Nowhere near as adorable as you." And he pulled you in to kiss, "So, I was thinking that we should head over to Fef's soon." Feferi was throwing what was supposed to be the biggest Halloween holiday bash to ever happen and as her friends, you'd both agreed to make an appearance. You hated parties. You hated, hated them. You never even attended the stupid things.

You groaned but Eridan kissed you relentlessly until you agreed that you'd go for five minutes tops. He promised that you could come back home as soon as you'd said hi to everyone and had at least one drink.

You didn't know then that you wouldn't be coming home.

You wouldn't even get as far as the party.

Eridan decided that instead of taking the car, you'd walk since Feferi's place wasn't too far and you definitely both needed the exercise. Again, you only agreed because he wouldn't let you argue, pressing gentle kisses over your cheeks until you grumbled that fine, you'd walk.

Somehow, he managed always seemed to win you over.

He'd been delighted but neither of you had realised how cold it was out. You walked a few blocks before you got cold and drew close to your boyfriend, pressing against him for warmth. He was just as cold as the autumn air and just as beautiful as the autumn evening.

"You know any constellations, Sol?"

"Only Gemini. And the Big Dipper. I'm not exactly an expert."

"Aquarius is... There." Eridan pointed, "You see it?"

"Looks like a lump of stars."

"Better than your shitty sign."

You elbowed him hard in the ribs.

Music was already audible from Feferi's party, meaning that you heard it before you saw it. She was always the girl that threw parties, since she had one of the biggest houses around and she seemed to know everybody. You got closer and closer, until you could feel the music pounding all around you and in your chest. It was like being the centre of something. That was then Eridan got this stupid grin on his face as the two of you crossed the street.

"Hey Sol." He said, suddenly, stopping where he was.

"What?" You continued to the sidewalk, gestured for him to follow. He didn't.

He remained stood in the middle of the street, grinning at you like an idiot.

"I love you." His grin grew.

"What?"

"I said-"

"I heard you." It took you a moment to process it; he'd never said it before, outright like that. He'd told you that he adored you, that he was crazy about you, never that he loved you. That was the first time. You opened your mouth to say something, anything.

You didn't get to speak- you didn't get to tell him that you loved him- because at that moment, the car came racing around the corner. That was the moment that your boyfriend's fate was sealed. A drunk driver, anybody could recognise one. A dark evening. He was in the middle of the road. Idiot.

Like you, Eridan had been frozen to the spot and unable to move. You could only watch as there was the screech and the smack sound as Eridan was knocked clean to the ground, crumpling on the floor. His beautiful body was definitely not meant to crumple like that, his arms and legs definitely not meant to bend that way.

Surprisingly, the first thing you thought was _oh, fuck, he's going to hate how messy his hair looks_.

The second thing you thought was just _FUCK_ because he wasn't getting up.

He wasn't even moving.

And you started yelling for help, _"SOMEBODY HELP ME!"_.

You knew it was hopeless.

He was already gone.

"Fuck, Eridan, I love you."

But it was too late.

* * *

By now, you're used to playing third wheel to your two best friends. You could have guessed years ago that they had a thing going but they only officially became girlfriends this year. You weren't surprised. Anyway, today, when Aradia invited you for coffee, you kinda guessed that it would be another chance to watch the pair of them giggle. You weren't wrong.

You were beside Aradia whilst she chattered on, excited for the upcoming season.

"Halloween is the time of the year that the veil between our world and the spirit world lifts a little." Aradia, holding her coffee, prattled over the counter to her girlfriend, (Feferi works here), who looks enthralled, "They say that sometimes, people can slip through the veil, and remain on our side."

"You mean, like, come back from the dead?" Feferi is wide-eyed, "Are you saying that spirits could come back?"

"Yep, if they have a purpose."

"What do you mean a purpose? Like a reason to come back?"

"I've heard stories of spirits wandering our world looking for their children... Or their loved ones..." Suddenly, that seemed to put a damper on the mood. Aradia seemed to remember you sitting beside her and glanced over, her mouth open in a horrified "o" shape, "Oh my goodness, Sollux, I'm sorry. I forgot how hard this must be for you."

"It's okay, AA." You shrug, even though it's not. Whilst most people love Halloween- you used to love it yourself- this year is different. You've found yourself steadily hating the build-up to it, hating the decorations in stores, even hating the pumpkin flavoured latte that you're holding tightly in your hand.

Because this Halloween marks exactly a year since Eridan died.

After a few more mumbled apologies, Aradia excused herself, and you headed after her because she was your ride. You slid into the passenger seat of her car and she didn't say a word as she drives you home, dropping you off outside your apartment block. You exchanged a brief kiss on the cheek, disgusted inwardly by the affection- you had a brief thing with her before Eridan but it didn't work out- but you wanted to assure her that it's alright. You're alright.

You're not really alright.

But it's nice to pretend for other people's sake.

"Hey, Sollux."

"Huh?"

"I'm really sorry that I brought the whole thing up. I didn't mean any harm."

"I know you didn't. It's okay."

"Promise to call me if you need anything?" She patted him on the arm and he backed away from the car, waving her off as she left. She was his go-to now when he felt miserable.

Things just weren't the same without Eridan.

* * *

That evening, long and hard, you considered what Aradia said over a cold bowl of mac 'n cheese which you found in your fridge that didn't seem to be too old. As far as you're concerned, as long as a food isn't beginning to grow mould on it, it's probably fine. Though, this tasted a little off and once you polished it off, you leave your bowl in the sink to clean later. It joins the bowls that have been in there for months now, waiting for you to come back. You shake your head and instead of performing any basic human functions, you opted to flop face-first down on your bed.

You haven't been able to bring yourself to do the dishes in months.

Eridan would have made you do it by now.

Fuck, you miss him so much this time.

The familiar smell of your sheets is reassuring to you because it just smells like cheap soap and nothing like _him_. For a long time, every single thing in your apartment seemed to smell like Eridan and like his stupid cologne and stupid conditioner and stupid, stupid scent. Now, nothing does because you washed the fuck out of anything that did. You're ashamed to admit that whenever you smelt the faint smell of coconut shampoo you broke down and started sobbing again. Luckily, everything just smells clean now and you're nothing short of glad. It's like letting go.

You can't let go of him.

You know this because after a while of lying there, you decided to drop a text to Aradia asking exactly how spirits could slip through the veil. It's bullshit, you know that, but the chance to see him again....

She was quick to text back saying that they appear at will but sometimes it helps to meditate and find some things of theirs or something like that. _Basic ghost summoning stuff,_ she says, _but you shouldn't try it Sollux. It's dangerous. People can get addicted to it, finding themselves unable to live without their missing one. Summoning draws on power and people can get drained. People can die._

You contemplated what you're doing for a long moment, decide that you're crazy, and pull the box of his belongings out of your closet. Of course, you could never throw any of them away. Feeling the dull sadness tugging at your heart again, you open the box and dig through his clothes, his jewellery, his books. You almost cry when you find his old scarf. He was wearing it that night.

Sighing, you pick it out of the box and his old copy of Harry Potter with his name written in clumsy childish writing on the front page. And you kicked the box back under the bed, ignored the tears that were beginning to well in your eyes, collapsed back onto your bed. You pressed the scarf to your nose and inhaled the scent of coconut and cologne and vanilla.

You don't let yourself cry.

Instead, you closed your eyes and take a deep breath.

And you focus.

On him, on your time together, on his birthdays, your birthdays, your dates, your mornings, your nights, your holidays, your love, your hatred, your fighting, your plans, your past, your future, his death. The feeling of his hands in your hair, the way you bumped glasses when you kissed, the long nights spent together, the way he curled up with you on the couch. The way that somehow the two of you had managed to fit together so well.

For a long time, you just sit there in silence and cast your mind back over the two years that you spent together. You waited for something, for anything, clutching his book and his scarf tightly in your hands. You waited for the stammer of his voice and that scent. You wait for the feeling of his hand in yours. You wait for him.

Your heart suddenly leaps.

You swear for a second that you felt him there, watching,

(Sollux)

but your eyes snapped open

(I love you)

and there was nothing there.

And yet

(But you've gotta move on)

you swear for a moment that you heard his voice.

(I'm stuck here until you do)

You brushed it off.

He's not coming back, you realised, as misery begins to hit you in waves. Of course, he's not. Ghosts aren't real, none of that shit that Aradia believes in is. You just can't believe that you fell for it, can't believe you were so stupid, can't believe you actually got your hopes up for a minute there.

He's not coming back.

* * *

It was exactly a year after that you meet Karkat Vantas, on Halloween morning.

You were in the comic book store, sitting on the counter, and flicking through an old copy of The Blind Justice that Terezi must have left lying around sometime. She was across the store from you, right now, helping or perhaps hindering a blue haired girl who seems to be scowling at her. You told yourself that you won't get involved unless they start punching each other (which might happen sometime soon) and settled back down with your comic.

The Blind Justice was kicking ass in this issue. You loved it.

That was when you hear somebody clear their throat loudly.

"Yes?" You looked up and narrow your eyes, looking around before looking down and spotting the short man stood by the counter. His hands are clenched tightly into fists. "Sup?" Your lisp butchers the greeting and the guy scoffed.

"I want some fucking assistance here." The man demanded, "Do you work here?"

Rolling your eyes, you gesture to the name badge pinned to your shirt.

"Sollux." He sneered your name in a way that reminds you painfully of a certain hipster, "So you do work here. I'm sure that you won't mind helping me out then. I'm looking for some legit comics here; by that, I mean I'm looking for the Sufferer comics that I'm missing from my collection. I need to get the full set."

"Well, I can see if we've got any stored in the back. I'm pretty sure we've got the whole series."

"That would be great." The man said, "And I was also wondering if I could... You know, have your number." It was hard to tell against his dark skin but you're ready to swear that he was blushing heavily. You were tempted to snicker and reject him, like you always do, your defence mechanism. If anybody attempts to hit on you, you just push them away because they aren't _him_. Nobody will ever be _him_. Eridan was your first and it's unfair that he was torn away from you so fast. How were you supposed to date anybody else after that?

There was something about the honesty on his face that stops you from just shoving him away.

For whatever reason, you really didn't want to hurt this small, angry man's feelings.

"I don't really... I mean..." How were you supposed to explain this? "Yesterday was the anniversary of my boyfriend's death."

"Oh." To his credit, the guy backed off instantly, "I didn't know. I'm so-"

"Don't say you're sorry. Say you're sorry and I'll break your nose." You glared, before pinching the bridge of your nose and forcing yourself to take a deep breath, "Fuck, I mean... Jesus..."

"It was incredibly shitty of me to make a move." The guy said, "If I'd known... Shit, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known."

"No, it's fine. You couldn't have known." You briefly considered getting a shirt with the words "MY BOYFRIEND IS DEAD AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" printed on it before deciding that would be an asshole thing to do, (though, Eridan would have found it funny), "I just haven't really dated anybody since then. But..." There was still hope shining in the guy's eyes and something about the openness of his expression makes your heart lurch, "What's your name?"

"Karkat."

You felt incredibly guilty about all of this.

"Right. Karkat. I'm Sollux."

"I know, doofus, it says so on your name tag."

"Fuck you, I'm trying to be nice here."

"Fuck you, you're failing at it."

You grin. "Way to get somebody's number, KK."

"Just give me the fucking number and give me my comic books."

"One date. I'll give you one. And if I don't like it, we're not doing this thing."

"You're such a romantic."

You rolled your eyes and reach for a pen so that you can write your number down for him.

You couldn't believe you were doing this.

You wondered if Eridan would be proud of you.

* * *

Your first Halloween together is a year later, the pair of you having adjusted to dating by then. He's a total idiot but you're an idiot too and it works out well for the pair of you. You spend most days around his place, except when one or both of you is working, and you find that you love spending time with him. Karkat Vantas can be a total fucking asshole and you adore him for reasons that you can't even begin to explain.

You game together, share comics, and mock each other's taste. Karkat calls you a nerd. You call him a loser. He normally ends up kissing you first but you don't mind. You think that you might be too worried to kiss him first, worried that he'll slip away from you. When you voice these fears, he calls you an idiot and hugs the sadness away. He's very good at hugging.

Karkat doesn't like Halloween that much, though he doesn't directly oppose it. He's not as "bah humbug" (or whatever the Halloween equivalent is) as people think he would be but he isn't anymore of a fan than you are. So, the two of you agree not to celebrate it this year and instead, you marathon his shitty movies on the couch.

Beforehand, you make sure to leave a bowl of candy outside the door and a note to invite kids to take as much as they can carry. Karkat is not kid-friendly, just like you. Still, you can't help crying that morning when you wake up and Eridan isn't there and all you can think about is how awful he looked crumpled on the road.

Of course, Karkat had rolled over to comfort you immediately and pulled you in close.

He'd worked hard to keep Eridan off your mind all day and you were grateful for it.

Now, the pair of you are curled up on the couch under his stupid sheets that are decorated with little red crabs. They are just a small and angry as Karkat so that you teased him about it constantly, almost falling over laughing when Feferi dubbed him Karcrab upon meeting him. It was just so perfect.

Karkat shifts and presses his head of fluffy, dark curls against your chest. He's so perfect.

"Are you even watching, Captor? You better not be daydreaming about my naked body again."

"As if I'd ever think about that scrawny body of yours, Vantas." You quip, smirking. He punches you in the chest playfully and you pretend to be hurt, pulling a face. This earns you another jab and that one actually hurts and you start laughing, pushing him away.

"You're so cruel, KK."

"You're not watching the movie." He whines, "You aren't appreciating Will Smith."

"I'm convinced that you're going to leave me for Will Smith one day."

"Fuck yeah, I am. As soon as he comes for me, you're fucking history, Captor."

You snort and get up to refill the popcorn bowl. He whines at you moving and reaches over the couch for you, making grabby hands- like a crab. You point this out and he throws a pillow at you, making you cackle as you head through to the kitchen and throw another bag of popcorn in the microwave. Then, you lean against the counter and you wait and as you wait, you think, letting your thoughts drift. First to Karkat, then to Eridan.

It's true that Karkat will never be Eridan.

But that's because they're two entirely different people. You're not replacing one with the other. Eridan is gone, not coming back, in the past.

What you had with special but that was then and Karkat is right now. It doesn't mean that you love Eridan any less, he'll always have a place in your heart. But you think that you might love Karkat Vantas just as much.

"Hey, KK." You stick your head around the door, seeing that he's now content and snuggled on the couch.

"What?" He grunts.

"You're beautiful."

"You're not half-bad yourself." He mumbles, "Come back and cuddle. I need a pillow."

"Do you enjoy pillows that smell of Mountain Dew?"

"I only enjoy pillows that are as hot as you."

"You're precious, you needy bastard."

Another pillow is tossed at him. "Fuck you, Sollux."

"Fuck you, Karkat."

And maybe it was just your imagination but your swear that you caught the faint smell of coconut shampoo and expensive cologne on a sudden draught.

You miss him.

But you think you're finally ready to let go properly.

"Karkat, I love you."

"You're an idiot." Karkat replies, "But I love you too."

It's the first time you've said it and it makes you smile.


End file.
